Top Ten Lists

Top ten songs Eddie Vedder should cover —Zimmer/Carrico

10. Scenes from an Italian Restaurant (B. Joel)
9. You Oughtta Know (A. Morrisette)
8. Joey (J. Napolitano)
7. Mandinka (S. O' Connor)
6. The Rainbow Connection (P. Williams)
5. Brickhouse (The Commodores)
4. One on One (D. Hall/ J. Oates)
3. Edelweiss (Rodgers/Hammerstein)
2. Raspberry Beret (Prince)
1. There's No Business Like Show Business (I. Berlin)

Top Ten Bassists Who Set My Van A-Rocking —Laura Schattschneider

10. Sting (circa 1980, ok? the police years!)
9. Nikolai Fraiture (you say snotnosed wannabe? I say check the bass line on Is This It and try not to groove. Plus he *is* kind of cute in that fresh-meat-posing-as-cured-ham kind of way.)
8. Flea
7. Les Claypool (kind of scary, but talent earns points)
6. Mark Sandman (RIP)
5. Kim Deal
4. J. S. Bach (OK, not a bassist in the usual sense, but when it comes to the metaphysics of the bass line this is where to turn. And I am always turned on by fantasizing that the libido is a slave to intellect.)
3. Kim Gordon (see no. 2, but it was Sister that did me in in this case, and in college)
2. Brian Ritchie (not so much in person, but that first violent femmes album did something to my adolescent libido that has never been un-(or out-)done)
1. Mike Watt (with and without Kira Roessler)

Top Ten Harsh Realities of Parenthood —Ashley McLain

10. Elmo instead of NPR every morning (la la la la!).
9. Absentmindedly eating toddler-flung food off the floor (in public).
8. Finding oatmeal in your hair during the board meeting.
7. Discovering those on-sale hip huggers are not good for toddler chasing (otherwise known as plumber's crack).
6. Post-nursing breasts are basically extinct.
5. Happy hour is replaced by toddler-chasing in the backyard (accompanied by doggy mine sweep).
4. Fear of further procreation drastically reduces tendency toward passion.
3. Working parents can't find time for toddler's first haircut; hence freakish spray of blonde hair known as the Grandpa Munster.
2. Increasing accidental reference to spouse as "dada!"
1. Complete loss of ability to drive at night due to lack of practice.

Top Ten Shoes that Didn't Fit on Top Ten List —Jill Stauffer

10. Red cowgirl loafers by Fluevog
9. Magenta patent leather gravity-defying space-heeled shoes by Fluevog
8. Navy blue platform ankle boots by Fluevog
7. Black platform ankle boots by Fluevog
6. Flat minimum-strap black sandals by Omari
5. Knee-high black lace-up boots by Fluevog
4. Cobalt blue slides with light blue footbed by Voglia Matta
3. Black leather curved-heeled sandals with silver stud trim by Esprit
2. Denim T-strap heels by Fornarina
1. Ultra-high mid-calf platform boots by Lui Chiny

Top Ten Excuses I've Used for Missing an h2so4 Submission Deadline —Adam Stauffer

10. Worried about name showing up on search engine (Issue 11)
9. Unexpectedly became single (Issue 15)
8. Lost submission while raising barn (Issue 14)
7. Swept away by Patty Duke Show marathon (Issue 2)
6. Heidi (Issue 3)
5. Spent too much time vanity-searching the web (Issue 5)
4. I didn't know I was going to be getting married (Issue 16)
3. There was an earthquake, a terrible flood, locusts! (Issue 1)
2. Inadvertently roped in as fourth corner in "Pickle Up a Doodle" (Issue 7)
1. Had to take dog to vet for artifical larynx fitting (Issue 13)

Top Ten Phrases Oft-Used by Evany Thomas —Jill Stauffer

10. "Stop that. You're hurting me." (referring to the cuteness of an outfit or of a person in general.)
9. "Am I talking?"
8. "What are you wearing?" (this is not meant as a question about attire.)
7. "Is that a fox on your shoulder or am I seeing double?" (actually, she only said this once, about four years ago, but I've been trying to use it ever since.)
6. "Fuck ---, without cuddling first." (as in, when I say we can have free drinks at my house and I'm making chocolate souffle, or we can meet at the bar Dalva, she says, "Fuck Dalva, without cuddling first. I'm at your house."
5. "That sucks donkey."
4. "Hi. It's Evany. Evany Thomas."
3. "Put that in my hole right now!" (referring to her mouth, and food.)
2. "I'm going to ---- the shit out of ----." (as in, "I'm going to take the shit out of a nap," or "I'm going to eat the shit out of some cake.")
1. "[vulgar innuendo]" followed by pause, and then "By which I mean [unnecessary graphic explanation of what vulgar innuendo meant]"

Top Ten Band Name and/or Song Titles, Of Which Only Three Were Made Up For This List —Keith Petersen

1. Oral B and Rakim
2. Blew Oyster Chunks
3. Ask Miles
4. Heimlich Manoeuvres in the Dark
5. Justify My Love-handles, Messiah
6. Madonnica (speed-metal covers of Madonna songs. I even made the logo)
7. Nostril Envy
8. Infected Youth (circa 1983)
9. Flock of Seagram's
10. Joanie Loves Chomsky

Jill Stauffer wants to point out that the next two lists about being unemployed could also be about being a graduate student.

Top 10 Favorite Things About Being Unemployed —Linda Liang

10. Exercising everyday
9. Cooking everyday
8. Seeing movies during the day
7. Doing laundry on a weekday
6. Going to Century 21 on a weekday
5. Listening to NPR all day long in the kitchen, living room and bedroom simultaneously while doing arts and crafts
4. Showering at 5pm
3. Not getting dressed at all
2. Leaving town for long stretches of time
1. Hanging out with my other unemployed friends

Top 10 Least Favorite Things About Being Unemployed —Linda Liang

10. Having no money
9. Only being able to accomplish one thing a day, because I can always do it tomorrow
8. Procrastinating
7. Going to parties and not being able to talk to people because they don't know how to place you if you don't have a job
6. Being expected to do chores because you have nothing else to do
5. The expectation of having to accomplish something in my grand time off like write the great American novel, teach myself a foreign language, or create a website, when all I want to do is watch TV and eat donuts
4. Watching TV all the time and eating donuts
3. Not getting dressed at all
2. Not being able to go on vacation because I don't have any money
1. Looking for a job

Top Ten Stuttering Songs —Evany Thomas

Def Lepard -- Foolin'
The Who -- My Generation
David Bowie -- Changes
Bee Gees -- Jive Talking
The Knack -- My Sharona
Bachman Turner Overdrive -- You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet
George Thorogood -- Bad to the Bone
Elton John -- Benny and the Jets
Phil Collins -- Sussudio
The Kinks -- Lola

Top Nine (Ah, I can't think of the tenth) Spelling Songs —Evany Thomas

Aretha Franklin -- Respect
Men Without Hats -- Safety Dance
Tammy Wynette -- Divorce
JJ Fad -- Supersonic
The Cure -- Fire in Cairo
Hall and Oates -- Method of Modern Love
Patti Smith or Them -- Gloria
The Kinks - Lola

Top Ten Books Everyone Has Read Except Me —Liz Dunn

1. The Fountainhead
2. To Kill a Mockingbird
3. Infinite Jest
4. Lord of the Rings
5. Ulysses
6. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
7. Wuthering Heights
8. Shakespeare
9. Me Talk Pretty One Day
10. Our Bodies Ourselves

Top Ten Movies Everyone But Me Has Seen —Liz Dunn

1. Dirty Dancing
2. 2001: A Space Odyssey
3. The Godfather
4. Deliverance
5. A Clockwork Orange
6. Taxi Driver
7. Aliens
8. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
9. Grease 2
10. Singing in the Rain

Ten reasons why Quentin Tarantino's films suck, in the form of ten questions for the auteur —Sac Bunt

1. Remember when there were films made by independent or foreign auteurs in which the characters didn't carry guns? Hey, Quentin, who's gonna make films about the people who don't carry guns now?
2. A film like David Lynch's Eraserhead constantly forces the viewer to leave the film, turn to the person in the next seat and say, "Hey, do you believe this!?! This is because Lynch's vision is so total--horrific and funny--that it's difficult to stay inside it. Tarantino's manipulations of time and P.O.V., on the other hand, only seem to get in the way of the story that he's telling and annoy the fuck out of me. Hey, Quentin, down in front!
3. Even the choice of tunes (from that Rhino compilation of 70's soul classics which takes its title from the Delphonics tune that Q. T. overuses in Jackie Brown) is such a self-conscious intrusion of the ultra-hip director into the film that I longed for silence. Hey, Quentin, what about ars est celer artem?
4. If this film is a parody then it's not funny enough. If it's not, then why all the pithy, parodical elements? Mr. Tarantino, are you afraid to be honest about the kind of film you are making?
5. Despite their "deconstruction," the characters and story of this film are great. Hey, Quentin, will you loan me your copy of the Elmore Leonard novel that you based the screenplay on?
6. 90% of this movie is shot straight, then, when Bridget Fonda pours an insignificant cup of coffee we get a tripped-out, artsy-fartsy camera angle of the pouring. Uh, what film school did you go to again Quentin?
7. Did your parents name you after the zombie character in the Dark Shadows soap?
8. I liked Carrie too, but do you really wanna imitate Brian De Palma's annoying use of split screen and circling a character with the camera until we're all sick to our stomachs?
9. Since people seem to like the a-morality of your films... Do you think that your films are a-moral because of an actual philosophical stance, or rather because they're neither verisimilar nor fairy tales but simply overly self-conscious and ironic homages to the kind of films that you enjoy but are ashamed to actually imitate and like too much to parody?
10. Why do you even bother when Godard already made Breathless back in '59? He at least had a valid existential, moral question to ask. C'est que c'est, degoulasse?

Top 10 Foods That You Hate as a Kid, But Like as an Adult —Linda Liang

10. Sauerkraut
9. Spinach
8. Alcohol
7. Liver and all its various incarnations
6. Stinky cheese
5. Fish
4. Coffee
3. Eggplant
2. Brussel Sprouts
1. Beets

Locations of Top Ten Times I've Had Sex —Jill Stauffer

10. Berkeley, CA
9. San Francisco, CA
8. Washington, DC
7. Haifa, Israel
6. San Francisco, CA
5. New York, NY
4. Vienna, Austria
3. Closet of house in Guerneville, CA
2. Train somewhere between Florence, Italy and Ljubljana, Slovenia
1. Donostia/San Sebastian, Spain

Top Ten Things To Do After A Hostile/Conclusive Break-up Or Other Love-Related Disappointment —Jill Stauffer

10. Swear "never again" and mean it. Make sure your friends hear you.
9. Throw away his/her toothbrush.
8. Think up an appropiate epithet to use instead of his/her name.
7. Read older, better love letters from people other than fool-coward-loser.
6. Let your friends tell you how terrible s/he is, was, and will always be.
5. Take yourself out for every meal.
4. Eat dessert. All the time.
3. Buy shoes.
2. Start doing all those things you somehow didn't have time for before.
1. Sleep well.

Top Ten Philosophers You've Probably Never Heard Of —Richard Zach

10. Michael Dummett. Makes analytic philosophy almost as hard to read as Heidegger.
9. H. Paul Grice. A bench in Berkeley bears his name.
8. Paul Feyerabend. Gave all his students A's.
7. Otto Neurath. Seriously influential (in some circles), but the reason why he's so cool is that he invented a whole visual language of icons.
6. David Kaplan. That guy's a riot.
5. Oskar Becker. Wrote on logic and mathematics, but: he's in the same corner as Heidegger in the analytic-continental boxing ring.
4. Alexius Meinong. I hear his ideas aren't as crazy as everyone thinks.
3. Rudolf Carnap. Made a valiant effort to rid philosophy of obscurantism, but failed.
2. Gottlob Frege. Succeeded, partly, in ridding philosophy of obscurantism, without even trying.
1. Willard Van Orman Quine. You cannot beat that name.

Makers of Top Ten Philosophical or Life-Modifying Points Ever Made (To Me.) —Jill Stauffer

10. Tom Bridle
9. Evany Thomas & Soren Kierkegaard (tie)
8. Judith Butler
7. Hannah Arendt
6. James Ryan
5. Halliday Dresser & Heidi Pollock (tie)
4. Philippe Nonet
3. Emmanuel Levinas
2. Friedrich Nietzsche
1. Emmanuel Levinas

Top Ten Epithets Overheard on NYC Subway in a 24-hour Period —Adam Stauffer

10. butterbean
9. goober palooka
8. jub-nut
7. groping pervert sonofabitch
6. grasseater
5. pantywaist
4. prole
3. jungle buzzard
2. flummadiddle
1. investment banker

Top 10 Favorite Purchases From Century 21 —Linda Liang

10. Helmut Lang t-shirt, regular $125 marked down to $14. Who'd pay $125 for a t-shirt? Why did I pay $14 for a t-shirt? I have to admit, he does build a better t-shirt. It's soft and worn in with narrow sleeves and a generous waist, for people who can afford expensive meals with their expensive t-shirts.

9. Moschino hot pink Paddington jacket, regular $300 marked down to $45. A hip length A-line jacket that's hot pink with a hood and black toggles. Fleece lined makes it all the better. Strangely comforting and nostalgic, not just because of the cuddly Paddington quality, but it's the exact color of the lipstick that my mother used to wear in the 70's.

8. Moschino tweed trousers, regular $150 marked down to $20. Grey tweed with flecks of green and blue and yellow with matching rhinestones embedded into the fabric. Low rise and slim cut hips give them even more of a Cher quality.

7. Jean Paul Gaultier Jeans trousers, regular $275 marked down to $35. Vaguely reminiscent of sexy sailor pants, these trousers are a nautical blue with white stitching, cut low with tiny front pockets.

6. Helmut Lang bias cut black skirt, regular $400 marked down to $75. I think I bought this on my birthday, when I was gainfully employed, otherwise I can't imagine buying something that costs this much! A slim black skirt, cut on the bias, but sewn together in a spiral, like a Pillsbury pop 'n fresh roll, which is good for hiding the fat, without bulking up with extra fabric.

5. Helmut Lang Jeans bias denim skirt, regular $75 marked down to $20. Just like the other Helmut Lang skirt but in denim. The hem is turned up to create a very cute contrasting detail, like a mini turned up cuff.

4. Jean Colonna black deconstructed skirt, regular $120 marked down to $30. Subtle to the untrained eye, this black silk skirt is slightly below the knee with a hem that is layers of sequin fabric, lace and net. A groovy alternative to a classic black pencil skirt.

3. Narcisco Rodriguez taupe bias skirt, regular $475 marked down to $45. A sexy secretarial skirt that's cut on the bias with set in side panels. I call this my plastic surgery skirt because it looks like I lost 10 pounds overnight.

2. Prada cream cashmere skirt, regular $600 marked down to $30. A knee length sweater skirt, this is pure luxury. No wearing it on menstrual days or to Italian dinners.

1. Norma Kamali caramel fringe skirt, regular $650 marked down to $25. This skirt is literally loopy, made of hundreds of strands of looped fringe, it's a cross between a burlesque stripper and a lampshade. It shimmies on its own, so when I walk, it looks like waves of bouncing blond hair.

Top Ten Shoes —Jill Stauffer

10. Black ponyhair oxfords by Kickers (well, maybe it is cow hair. It sounds more barbaric than leather, but it's just unshaved.)
9. DKNY ankle strap sandals of periwinkle suede in front but with a red heel
8. Purple and Pink Suede mid-calf superhero boots by Fornarina
7. Platform sandals made of fabric with cars and vans on it by Fornarina
6. Cartoon-like black bump-toed and curved-heeled heels by Rocket Dog
5. Sexy two-tone brown heels by Fornarina
4. Blue and black oxfords by Fluevog
3. Red leather knee high platform boots by Fluevog
2. Red mary-jane-like shoes with quirky heel by Fornarina
1. Turquoise suede knee high platform boots by Fluevog

Top Ten Shoes My Friends Have That I Covet —Jill Stauffer

10. Linda's wood-soled black lace-up old-school Fluevogs
9. Marilyn's boots made of the same kitty-print material as the #1 shoe on this list
8. Amy P's silver lucite-heel Fluevogs
7. Marian's Jimmy Choo heels where the left shoe is different from the right but on purpose
6. Liz's hot pink suede platform boots
5. Heidi's white go-go boots
4. Caroleen's two-tone brown Fornarina heels (oops. I just bought my own pair.)
3. Sophia's sexy black Fluevog pumps
2. Amy P's black Fornarina motorcycle boots
1. Evany's kitty-print heeled slides


10. MY JOHN FLUEVOG SILVER STRAPPY SHOES WITH LUCITE HEELS. (because they are so sexy, even though they are impossible to walk in)
9. A BOX OF HELLO KITTY BISCUITS (yes, real biscuits. They are 5 years old, but given to me by an old friend, Hilarie)
8. A SERIES OF SMALL CHRISTMAS LAPEL PINS (all incredibly girlishly cutesy... but they are from my Dad.)
7. AN EMERALD GREEN SATIN, CHIFFON, AND SEQUIN-DETAILED VICTORIA SECRET TEDDY (because I think that one of these years I just might feel seductive and sexy on St. Patrick's Day.)
6. MY SORORITY HOUSE GROUP PHOTO ON SQUEAL DAY (it is now so unreal that I actually need proof)
5. MY VERY FIRST FORMAL DRESS, MAHOGONY CRUSHED VELVET WITH SATIN RUFFLES (you never know when you could get asked to another prom)
4. ALL MY ANI DIFRANCO CD'S, MAGAZINES, ARTICLES, PHOTOS, CONCERT TICKET STUBS (because somewhere deep inside, I am still stalking her.)
3. MY SEE-THRU FLUORESCENT MICRO-MINI DRESS WITH MATCHING THONG (because I might move back to South Beach, Miami, Florida.......really, I might.)
2. ALL GREETING CARDS AND LETTERS BY FRIENDS AND FAMILY SINCE 1989. (I am planning to be a crazy ol' gramma lady with a big fucking attic and a bad case of dementia someday.)



Top 10 Novels I've Read —Paul Tullis

10. All the King's Men
9. 100 Years of Solitude
8. Crime & Punishment
7. The Alexandria Quartet
6. Being Dead
5. The Fountainhead
4. Gargantua & Pantagruel
3. The Immoralist
2. The Plague
1. The Crying of Lot 49

Top 10 Books on my Shelf that I Haven't Read —Paul Tullis

10. Extraordinary Popular Delusions & The Madness of Crowds
9. Fast Food Nation
8. Collected Stories of T.C. Boyle
7. The Good Soldier
6. Death in Venice
5. China Pop
4. A History of the Arab Peoples
3. The Alexandria Quartet
2. V
1. Revolutionary Road

Top 10 Books on my Shelf that I Haven't Read and that Didn't Make it into Top 10 Books on my Shelf that I Haven't Read —Paul Tullis

10. Harry Potter 3
9. The Nature of Development
8. Narrative Discourse
7. There Are No Children Here
6. American Pastoral
5. The Brothers Karamazov
4. Year of the Barricades
3. Cuba
2. Requiem for Modern Politics
1. The Bible

Top 10 Books on my wishlist —Paul Tullis

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Top 10 Dairy Products —Ericka Eisen Tullis

10. Goat Cheese
9. Ice cream
8. Crème Fraiche
7. Cinnamon gelato
6. Pecorino
5. Whipped cream
4. Cherry yogurt
3. Chocolate mousse
2. Gorgonzola
1. Calves

Top Ten Good Things About Being an Academic —Richard Zach

10. You get paid to think.
9. You get to influence peoples' thought without having to have kids.
8. 3-4 months of vacation, er, I mean, time to do research, per year.
7. In some countries at least, a "Professor" on your business card carries significant cachet.
6. There's a chance to become famous, or at least well-known in certain circles.
5. Some of your students are really bright.
4. You get to keep up with youth culture.
3. Sabatticals every few years.
2. Lots of travelling, if you can get the grants to pay for it.
1. Tenure

Top Ten Bad Things About Being an Academic —Richard Zach

10. The pay sucks.
9. You don't exactly get to pick where you live.
8. It must be hell to have an s.o. who's also an academic.
7. In North America, a "Professor" on your business card has no cachet at all.
6. Odds are, you will never become well known, no-one will ever read your papers. Even if you do become famous, who wants to be famous among academics?
5. Not all of your students are really bright.
4. You are constantly surrounded by 18-year olds.
3. You probably will drown in committee work instead of writing that seminal book.
2. If you don't get any grants, you're stuck in whatever tiny midwest backwater you've ended up in.
1. (Worrying about) not getting tenure.

Top 10 ways to drink water —Adam Stauffer

10. From a fountain
9. From a plastic bottle
8. From a mug
7. Directly from faucet using hands as cup
6. Catching rain into your mouth (tied with "while swimming in fresh water")
5. Through a red swizzle straw
4. From a mug, with ice
3. Melting snow into your mouth
2. From a pint glass
1. Directly from faucet (mouth to tap)

Top Ten (or so) MAC Lipsticks —Marian Toy

Chili was my first. Paramount my favorite. Taupe for the "I have no makeup on" days. But what about these?

1. Rage--the frosted love child of Chili and Viva Glam
2. Modum--the frosted version of Taupe
3. Chelsea--the not-so-pink-more-brown version of Taupe
4. Verve--darker version of Taupe
5. Del Rio--pinker version of Verve
6. Photo--brown like a poopie (Madonna wore it in one her videos but I can't remember which one)
7. Desire--the tone version of Photo
8. Rebel--new wave magenta red
9. Spice--I know it's a lip pencil but I think it deserves an honorary place on the list

Top Ten MAC Lipsticks —Jill Stauffer

1. Epic and Alumina worn together
2. Epic
3. Icon
4. Alumina
5. Wuss (which has replaced Lame for me)
6. Rebel (with Alumina or Haku--it is too bright for my face on its own, makes me look like an eight-year-old who has been rummaging through Mommy's makeup)
7. Twiggy (which is now called Twig)
8. Del Rio (which is very close to the color of my lips, which means that, according to Marian's color scheme above, my lips are a pinker version of a darker version of an "I have no makeup on" lipstick)
9. Lately I have switched to Agnes B. longlasting lipcolor in Grape metal and Raisin noir.
10. But I just bought a great "summer" color at BeneFit called "Just Lookin'"

Top Ten (or so) MAC Lipsticks —Heidi Pollock

1. Paramount
2. Verushka
3. Chili
4. Twiggy
5. Tuape
6. Viva Glam
7. XS
8. Ruby Woo

My Top Ten Cinematic Moments —Colin Babb

10. The Ten Commandments (1956)--Cecil B. DeMille. Pharaoh's 600 war chariots corner Moses at the Red Sea. The sea parts, Moses and his people get across. The chariots flounder as the sea reforms. Moses 1 Pharaoh 0.

9. The L-Shaped Room (1962)--Bryan Forbes. Cicely Courtneidge tells Leslie Caron about the golden age of theatre, and her intimate preferences for women, while writing her Christmas cards.

8. In the Heat of the Night (1967)--Norman Jewison. Rod Steiger's sheriff meets Sidney Poitier's homicide expert from Philadelphia in a Mississippi police station.

RS: "How much do they pay you to do their police work?"

SP: "A hundred and sixty-two dollars and thirty-nine cents per week."

RS: "One hundred and sixty-two dollars and thirty-nine cents a week. Well boy! You take him outside Wood but treat him easy. Cos' a man that makes a hundred and sixty-two dollars and thirty-nine cents a week....Man, we do not want to ruffle him!"

7. Play It Again Sam (1972)--Herbert Ross. Woody Allen predictably fails to impress his date Sharon, while Diane Keaton and Tony Roberts look on. A perfect slice of high-quality slapstick/knock-about humour, mixed with classic one-liners.

6. Rude Boy (1980)--Jack Hazan/David Mingay. The Clash give an exhilarating rendering of "White Riot" during an Anti-Nazi concert in an East London park. While the frenzied crowd bays for more, chaotic back-stage verbal wars, and scuffles between political opponents, roadies and hangers-on continue.

5. Simple Men (1992)--Hal Hartley. Elina Lowensohn leads Martin Donovan and William Sage in an ironically disfigured and loose-limbed, formation dance routine to Sonic Youth in Upstate New York.

4. Suture (1993)--Scott McGehee and David Siegel. After surviving a car explosion, Clay (Dennis Haysbert) is wheeled into hospital from an Arizona Medical Transport vehicle in slow motion, while the sounds of Tom Jones' version of "Ring of Fire" sets the tone.

3. Blue in the Face (1995)--Wayne Wang/Paul Auster. Malik Yoba's comic, rapper/hustler enters The Brooklyn Cigar Company. He attempts to sell Harvey Keitel a watch, reveals his pride in coming from Bedford-Styvesant, and queries Giancarlo Esposito's claim to Italian ancestry.

2. Chungking Express (1996)--Wong Kar-Wai. The most poignant of all film endings. In his soon-to-open snack bar, Tony Leung watches Faye Wong sketch out a fake airport boarding-pass, for an imaginary journey which they'll never take. Closely followed by a dose of Canto-pop, Cranberries style.

1. Temptress Moon (1996)--Chen Kaige. Gong Li, dressed in white, makes an immaculate, regal entrance into the Pang Family ancestral hall, gliding past silent and attentive clan members.

Top Five trees on my farm —Adam Stauffer

5. 14" twin white birch
4. 36" oak L60
3. 36" oak L59
2. 28" blazed willow
1. 42" red oak

Top Ten Men I've Slept With —Heidi Pollock

10. George
9. Sean
8. Craig
7. that bartender whose name I never knew
6. Simon
5. David
4. Tom
3. Mark (Matt?)
2. Tim
1. James

Top Ten Famous People I've Made My Friends Refer to as My Boy (or Girl)friend —Jill Stauffer

1. Benicio Del Toro
2. Buffy Summers (as opposed to Sarah Michelle Gellar)
3. Conan O'Brien
4. Robert John Burke
5. Steven Soderbergh (only because of The Limey)
6. John Doe
7. Jenna Elfman (but only if she leaves Mindhead)
8. Friedrich Nietzsche (however, I am not usually a masochist)
9. Joss Whedon
10. David Lowery

Things You May Not Say to Me about this List:

"But (s)he's married!/gay!/not gay!/dead!" (which is true of most of them).

Why You May Not Say This:

Because this is fantasy, silly! I will most likely never meet these people (though I stood next to Jenna Elfman on some street corner in NYC and had my photo taken with John Doe, not to mention the one person on this list who actually is my ex-boyfriend), and if I were to meet any of them, they would be subjected to entirely different standards and methods of scrutiny before being called My Boy (or Girl)friend In Real Life.

Top Ten Fibers —Heidi Pollock

10. Wool
9. Silk
8. Cotton
7. Nylon
6. Rayon
5. Gore-Tex
4. Cashmere
3. Hemp
2. Polyester
1. Spandex

Top Ten Ways To Make Coffee —Heidi Pollock

1. Espresso Machine
2. Turkish
3. Stovetop Espresso Machine
4. French Press
5. Drip (gold filter)
6. Guatemalan Drip
7. Drip (paper filter)
8. Percolator
9. Cowboy Coffee
10. Nescafe